A thanks to silence, sex and all things sacred

Everybody should spend a week in a hospital, strapped down to a bed by an interlacing network of tubes that simultaneously give and take fluids from their shrivelling body; it not only gives a person a new outlook on his or her life, but a new appreciation for other humans as well.
Hospitals are a place where humanity’s strengths and flaws are clearly displayed, from the caring nurse, to the impatient doctor—or vice versa. Within the walls of a medical facility are a million memories of pain, yearning and death.
For so many people, a hospital is the last place they ever saw grandma, or the setting where their brother had to be pronounced dead after an accident. So, when it comes time to visit other family or friends who have fallen ill, the sterile smell and the pasty walls of the building trigger a person’s recollection of grief and fear, which prevents her from being with a loved one that needs them at her bedside.
But as scary as hospitals can be, there are also flowers and forgiveness in the facilities; and in honour of Thanksgiving, here are a list of new appreciations that may happen to strike a person after a week in a gurney.

Food: When a human hasn’t eaten for a week, strange food combinations start to sound delicious: McNuggets on pizza, ice cream on toast—anything to fill the aching void of a shrinking stomach and an empty mouth. Dreams of delicacies only taunt a starving palate, and TV throws constant insults by way of appetizing advertisements—all while the doctors refuse to put chocolate in the IV drips.

Friends: A person will always remember who didn’t care when she was ill—but she will also never forget those that did. Small gifts go a long way in a hospital room, and even a hand-made card can be a best friend on a long, lonely night.

Mobility: Being strapped to a bed is sometimes kinky—but a week in a bed can drive a soul mad. And the physical feeling isn’t any better. Unless someone spends 24 hours a day watching TV or playing video games, even the most sedentary spirit gets restless in a bed where the only movement is the twitch of her toes.

Nurses: Nurses need to be hugged hard and often by their friends and families, as they have one of the toughest jobs on Earth: A job that requires patience and authority, compassion and detachment. While writers must deal with irritated editors, and salesmen juggle cranky clients, nurses have a whole world of shit to contend with—literally. Nurses must deal with fluids and excrement of gastronomical proportions, along with dying babies and demanding patients. Anyone that can stand those conditions deserves a hug and a large paycheck.

Privacy and Sexuality: When a patient is admitted to hospital, two aspects of life are traded with entrance so that one can receive care—signing in means signing away shame and sexuality. There is no space for embarrassment in a ward, and as farts and food are regurgitated all around, there is not a lot of room for romance, either (unless a patient is a frequenter of medsex.com). But patients need a sense of normalcy, and many attempt to fix their hair or conceal under-eye circles—all in vain. Energy spent on appearance in a hospital is energy better spent on recovery—if one is sick, others will understand if she looks sick! One can always tell how long a person has been in a hospital by how tightly she ties her gown—by day five, no one cares anymore—and there are bottoms-a-plenty to be seen on any floor.

Seniors: The news often says, “the population is aging,” which is no surprise, as people get old. But the reality is old folks seem to be multiplying and toothlessly consuming our healthcare dollars and hospital beds. Although calls for a geriatric genocide have yet to be answered, it does seem strange to observe an 80 lb. 90 year old being supplied with an artificial joint if her biological clock is already on borrowed time. But life doesn’t end at 50, and joy doesn’t end with the loss of libido—love and wonder still visit a woman even if her period does not. Elders are to be treated with respect, living or dying—there can be a lot of wisdom behind those wrinkle-rimmed eyes.

Silence: Living at the corner of Hastings St. and Boundary could not prepare anyone for the unnerving ruckus of an emergency ward, or the constant whir of machines and pumps in a recovery room. The sound of traffic is surprisingly calming when compared to a hospital’s continuous commotion—even a traffic accident has more of an audible appeal than a nurse screaming “Code Blue” over the intercom. At least with the traffic accident there is a chance that no one is injured, and that a regular Joe can run out and offer aid to victims rather than watch doctors pump “Code Blue’s” chest and stand-by, helpless.

Sleep: Sleep is a glorious, elusive sanctuary that is never to be taken for granted.

Swear words: Cursing is a liberating act of freedom—so go give a good “FUCK BLUBBER!!!” to the sky right now—because the outdoors won’t mind, but a hospital room full of quiet patients will!

Water: Water is a mesmerizing entity when it is scarce—there is nothing like a shower after bathing in sweat and blood for a few days—even if the hot faucet is broken.

Windows: A person can memorize a large tree if they stare at it for long enough—the amount of branches it has, the way it glitters when the breeze that she can’t feel sweeps through its leaves. If eyes are the windows to the soul, then windows are the soul of a hospital; the glass may prevent a patient from leaving, but its pane will still allow a mind to wander when there is nothing else to look at.

Women: Women very commonly view other women as competition—competition for dates, for jobs, for attention—and often admire the “brotherhood” guys seem to belong to with their friends. “Bros before hoes” is a more familiar term to most than “chicks before dicks.” A girl has an air of pride about her when she proclaims, “I’m one of the guys,”—when she is actually “one of the guys that the real guys hang out with to fuck.” It is not uncommon for women to view other females as bitchy, backstabbing whores—until they are faced with adversity, and realize other women really do “got their back.” Females that a woman thought long forgotten will come out of the woodwork to her side, while the men in her life just wonder where their bedmate has gone.

At the risk of sounding demented, the world may be a better place if more people got sick—Thanksgiving would be more about thanks than turkey.