The Other News

Police Say Smeltit Dealt It

VANCOUVER, BC—Police have caught a man suspected of causing an early morning explosion last Wednesday, February 13. The blast obliterated the Broadway Street Taco Del Mar, and caused major damage to surrounding businesses, including a Starbucks and an adjoining dollar store.
Initially thought to be an of terrorism, the police now say the explosion was the accidental result of a break-in gone wrong.
“The suspect broke in to raid the cash register,” said Det. Brock Coxalot. “But he made the mistake of lighting a match to see his way around inside, instead of using a flashlight.” Coxalot explained that years of dormant methane gas had built-up in the Mexican food establishment. “The guy didn’t have a chance,” he said.
The suspect, Denis Smeltit, 25, was made available for comment from his hospital bed at Vancouver General. He is being treated for second-degree burns to 40 per cent of his body.
“I blame the beans,” said Smeltit. “If I had just stuck to robbing burger joints instead of going spicy I wouldn’t be here right now. But no, I had to listen to my friends who kept making fun of me, calling me the ‘Burger-ler.’ Now look at me; I’m more toasted than a chicken quesadilla.”
The owner of Taco Del Mar, D. Sanchez, said the franchise will rebuild.
“‘Delicious’ may be our middle name, but so is ‘Diligence,’” said Sanchez. “We won’t let this hooligan stop us; we’ll show the world what our tacos are made of.”
Investigators believe there were more than 102 PPM of methane gas lingering in the Taco Del Mar. Although such gas is non-toxic to inhale, the smell of the built-up gas was covered up by the exceptionally fragrant food available at the restaurant.
“Sometimes our food smells like fart,” admitted Sanchez. “There are a lot of beans in our burritos.”
Experts agree that beans, although good for your heart, will cause excessive flatulence that, in severe cases, can become explosive around open-flame.
Smeltit claims that he can’t be solely responsible for the explosion since hundreds of patrons had also contributed to the toxic time bomb.
“There’s no way we could sort out whose toots are whose,” said Det. Coxalot. “I don’t think the technology is available yet. Besides, the offending gas was burned up in the fireball, taking our evidence with it.”